sexEdvice

_{Unpublished post, originally written 11/30/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: My boyfriend and I have anal sex because I want to wait until I’m married to have regular sex. Do we still need to use condoms? And is it dangerous for him to ejaculate inside me?

A: A lot of people are really into anal sex, but if you are using it as a way to preserve your virginity, you might not be getting the benefits you are hoping for.

While pregnancy isn’t a risk from anal, STDs are. Everything from HIV to HPV and chlamydia can be spread anally. So, yes, it is crucial to use a condom, and yes, ejaculating increases your risk.

You should also know that plenty of folks believe that you lose your virginity if you have anal, even if you have never had “regular” sex.

Teens sometimes forgo the condoms when they aren’t worrying about pregnancy, but doing so is a risky gamble. Are you sure you and your boyfriend don’t have any STDs? Have either of you had anal or oral (not to mention vaginal) sex with someone in the past? If so, you could have an STD — even if you feel fine and don’t have symptoms.

If you want to wait to have vaginal sex until you are married, that’s fine. But don’t substitute other forms of sex without protecting yourself. Doing that could leave you you and your future husband with some pretty nasty infections that you might not feel like explaining on your honeymoon.

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/2/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

December 1st was the 20th World AIDS Day. It also marked almost 30
years since the emergence of the AIDS crisis. Yet, despite the fact
that AIDS has been something we’ve all grown up with, and something we
know how to prevent, the virus continues to affects millions of people
around the world — a lot of them women and girls.
 
But
for a lot of people, AIDS hasn’t shaken the early stigma and
association with certain “risk groups” like gay men, IV drug users and
sex workers. 

This was a stigma that was reinforced as the crisis emerged in the
1980s. In fact, in 1987, President Reagan’s administration told the
public that if they didn’t fall into one of those categories, then they
had nothing to fear from AIDS.

The following year, Cosmopolitan Magazine published an article from
a doctor assuring women they could not contract AIDS from vaginal
sex with men!

Even today, I see this attitude.  A student of mine, a man in
his 20s, just got his first AIDS test this year, despite having had
unprotected sex with many women.  Why had he waited? “I”m not
gay,” he said. “And I don’t sleep with dirty girls.”

Regardless
this guy should have known that anyone can get AIDS, and tragically a
lot of people still do.  Today, a lot of those people are actually
young women.  Here are some facts from the CDC:

• The largest number of HIV/AIDS diagnoses during recent years was for women aged 15–39.
• High-risk heterosexual contact was the source of 80% of these newly diagnosed infections.
• According to a recent CDC study of more than 19,500 patients
  with HIV in 10 US cities, women were slightly less likely than men to
  receive prescriptions for the most effective treatments for HIV
  infection.
• A woman is significantly more likely than a man to contract HIV infection during vaginal intercourse.

AIDS
is not someone else’s problem and the crisis isn’t over.  So take
care of yourself. If you are sexually active, use condoms and get tested.

Do any of you have experiences with HIV/AIDS you’d like to share?

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/18/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

The other day the New York Times ran an op-ed by Charles M. Blow lamenting the advent of hook-up culture.

The piece cited a study by the Washington research group, Child Trends, which found that high school seniors don’t date seriously. The writer concluded that instead they were simply hooking up without commitment.

He then talked to Kathleen Bogle, the author the 2008 book, Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus. She helped him understand that, “Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.”

I have to say, this reeks of alarmism.

In fact, the next day I was indulging in a guilty pleasure and reading the same newspaper’s wedding section. In it, I came a across a newly married couple in their fifties. They had actually been together thirty years before, but things had been different then. As the woman reminisced of their 1975 romance, “People didn’t date. You hung out and then you slept together.”

Um, that sounds a lot like this new phenomenon of hooking up that folks find so shocking.

People love to act as if teens today are loser morally than they were at any other time in history. But if history can teach us anything, it’s that when it comes to young people and sex, trends may come and go, but we aren’t really reinventing the wheel.

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/15/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

A few years ago, we were warned that oral sex was being used in great numbers by teens trying to protect themselves from STDs and “technical” virginity loss.

Then another study informed us that the first study had been flawed. In fact, this later study said, most teens were not actually substituting blow jobs for vaginal sex.

Now an anal sex study, that sounds suspiciously much like the original oral sex one, has come out. According to the researchers, unprotected anal sex on the rise among straight teens.

According to ABC News,

“Researchers at the Bradley Hasbro Children’s Research Center in Rhode Island suggested that anal sex is on the rise among teens and young adults, particularly those who have unprotected vaginal sex. Experts say girls and young women…are often persuaded to try such sexual behavior for the wrong reasons — to please a partner, to have sex without the risk of pregnancy or to preserve their virginity. But many don’t understand the health consequences.”

In light of the change of heart on oral, I won’t be shocked if somewhere down the line we subsequently hear that this study wasn’t totally on the mark.

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/16/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

A new study done by researchers at the University of British Columbia just found something that might surprise a lot of people: teen lesbians are at a great risk of pregnancy.

According to the study,

“In 1992, LGB students were two to seven times more likely to have been pregnant or caused a pregnancy than their straight peers; in 2003, they were still more than twice as likely to be involved in a pregnancy.”

They attribute some of this to girls being the victims of discrimination and found that lesbian and bisexual girls who were harassed at school were much more likely to get pregnant than those who weren’t.

The relationship between discrimination and pregnancy exists for a few reasons. If a girl is being harassed, then she might try to counter discrimination by sleeping with a guy to quash rumors. Also, girls who are harassed are less likely to feel comfortable coming out and may try to hide their sexual orientation by dating guys. Additionally, girls who are lesbians may be victims of sexual abuse and rape.

Lesbian teens are also at risk or pregnancy because they are less likely to get messages about birth control and preventing pregnancy than are straight girls.

Combine all this with the self-esteem destroying effects of being bullied for being gay–which may result in girls having sex with guys they aren’t interested in, and not insisting on using protection when they do–and you have a lot of explanation for the findings of the UBC researchers.

Q: I’m 13 and my boyfriend is 14. I love him with all my heart and I know I’m ready for sex. My friends all tell me I’m too young and that it’s against the law to have sex at my age. Is this true?

A: Kind of and that depends. In most states it is not a crime for underage teens to have sex with other underage teens, but in some places it is actually illegal for minor to have sex, even if they both consent and even if they are the same age.

As to the question of whether or not you are too young, that is a tougher one. A lot of people, including your friends, think that 13 is just too young to have sex, and many teens find that it is better to wait to have sex until they are older and will have more information and be in a better position to get help if they run into problems.

Love is great, but when it comes to sex, it isn’t the only important thing to think about. Here are some others:

1. Do you think you might feel different about your boyfriend after having sex? How do you think sex will affect your relationship? What if it changes how your boyfriend feels or acts?
2. Are you feeling pressured into having sex?
3. What if you break up soon after having sex?
4. Do you know how to protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs?
5. Do you have access to condoms? Are you comfortable using them with your partner?
6. Do you know how to get tested for STDs and will you do that?
7. Are you comfortable telling your boyfriend what feels good and what doesn’t?
8. If something goes wrong or you have an emergency, do you have an adult who you can talk to?

Thinking about these questions will help you decide if sex is something you actually want to get into right now. Good luck!

_{Unpublished post, originally written 12/16/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Teaching middle and high school, I regularly find myself dealing with issues of texting or Facebook gone wild. So I was interested to see that CosmoGirl and the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy had teamed up to produce a report on sex and technology among teens and young people in their twenties.

Here are some of the findings:

• 15% of teens who have sent sexually suggestive content such as text messages, email, photographs or video say they have done so with someone they only know online.
• More than one-third of teens (38%) say exchanging sexy content makes dating or hooking up with others more likely.
• Nearly one-third of teens (29%) believe those exchanging sexy content are “expected” to date or hook up.
• Sending sexually suggestive messages is even more prevalent than sending nude/semi-nude images.
• Nearly half of young people have sent sexually suggestive text messages or email messages to someone.
• Even more have received sexually suggestive messages: 48% of teens and 64% of young adults (56% total). Fully one-third of young teen girls (ages 13-16) have received sexually suggestive messages.
• Teen girls who have sent or posted sexually suggestive content provide a number of reasons why: Two-thirds (66%) say they did so to be “fun or flirtatious,” half (52%) did so as a “sexy present” for their boyfriend, and 40% as a “joke.”
• Even though nearly three-quarters of young people (73% total, 75% of teens, 71% of young adults) say that sending sexually suggestive content “can have serious negative consequences,” nearly one-quarter (22% total, 19% of teens and 26% of young adults) say sending sexually suggestive content is “no big deal.”

So why is this going on? A recent British study on sexual communication on the internet found that a lot of girls said they were sexually more aggressive and bolder in online communication than in person.

That is pretty easy to understand. It is a lot easier to say suggestive things when you don’t have to look at the person and see their reaction. It is also easier to respond to suggestive comments when you have time to craft an answer. Additionally, many people feel like they can be anonymous when they are behind a screen.

There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these beliefs. However, there are risks to be aware of. A big one is that ANYTHING you put on a screen can be saved and forwarded forever. Another is that it is easy to forget that there are real people behind those screens who may be hurt, offended or uncomfortable with what they are receiving. Finally, the trend of sharing passwords with your friends can also lead to real heartache when someone maliciously, or even jokingly, logs in and sends something as if it was coming from you.

The link between sex and technology is here to stay. So we might as well be smart about what we are doing and think about the long term consequences before hitting send.

Have any of you had positive or negative experiences with sex and technology?

_{Unpublished post, originally written 11/03/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Ever thought about whether or not there should be girls’ sports offered at school? Or if you should be able to walk down the halls at school free from sexual harassment? Or even if you should be allowed to attend school at all if you are pregnant or a teen mom? If you haven’t had to think about those things you can thank something called Title IX.

Tile IX is a law that passed in 1972. It requires gender equality for boys and girls in any educational program that receives money from the federal government.

It can be hard to imagine life before Title IX. But 36 years ago, things were pretty different. For example, before Title IX:

• It was perfectly legal to spend all of a school’s money on boys’ sports without putting a penny into girls’ programs.
• Sexual harassment at school was not a crime.
• Schools were actually allowed to kick a girl out for getting pregnant or having a baby.

As the New York Times reports:

“Pregnant girls were put on “medical suspension” until after their babies were born, then banned from returning to their original high schools afterward. Hundreds of other girls were sent, often under threat of court order, to shelters, where the old Board of Education maintained special schools.”

It’s not like Title IX completely eliminated sexism. In a world where, up to 80% of high school girls still report being victims of sexual harassment, female athletes can hope for only a fraction of the college scholarship money that male athlete qualify for, and women still only earn 2/3 of what men do, we can’t pretend that the fight for equality is over.

However, when we think back to how life was for girls before Title IX, we sure can see some of the powerful changes that have been made!

Do you feel like girls and boys are treated equally at your school? If not where do you see the inequality?

My first friend to have a baby was, Monica. We were 17 at the time and when my mother heard the news, she sighed and looked incredibly sad as she said, “Well, I guess her life is over.”

I have to admit, at the time, I kind of agreed with her. I mean, I knew that teen moms were less likely to finish school, more likely to be poor, and that their kids disproportionately faced long term hardships.

In the end, however, Monica’s life wasn’t over. She had to grow up fast, to be sure. And she experienced challenges that I wasn’t going to encounter for almost 15 years. But last I’d heard, she and her son were doing well. She had recently gotten married and had a decent job. He was in high school, and thinking about what he wanted to do next.

Of course, Monica’s wasn’t the only tale of teen parenting that didn’t turn out disastrously. Just look at our President Elect. Yup, Obama’s mom was only 18 when he was born! Despite being a young single mom, she went on to get her PhD, and he went on to change the course of history.

So how can teen moms maintain their sanity, finish school, and raise an Obama, instead of say, sinking into poverty and producing a juvenile delinquent? Finding support and community is crucial. So is knowing your rights and exercising them.

One of these rights is your right to attend school. This is protected under a law called Title IX, which makes it illegal to discriminate against teenage parents by forcing them to leave school or enroll in special programs.

This is an important right to take advantage of. Even though it might seem impossible at the time, getting a high school diploma is one of the best ways to give yourself and your child a better shot at a positive future!

You should also know that once you are pregnant or parenting, you are allowed to consent to your own health care and authorize care for your child without involving your parents. This is generally true no matter how young you are.

Resources and support for teen moms are available in many communities. Check with your local hospital or a Planned Parenthood health center to find out about programs in your area.

You can also find information online at places like, Girl-Mom and the Young Mommies Help Site. Another great resource is the website of Katherine Arnoldi, a former teen mom who chronicled her journey in a great comic book and also produced a guide to college for teen parents.

No one says that being a teen mom is an easy route to take. But once a pregnant teen make the decision to parent, that decision should be respected. Teen moms need more help and less stigma. Shifting this balance is one of the best ways to help them and their children defy the bleak statistics we often see screaming from the headlines.

_{Unpublished post, originally written 11/14/08 for my now defunct state of sex education blog on gURL.}

Q: I just found out I’m pregnant, which is a scary thought by itself. To make matters worse, I go to a Catholic school where they have a policy that you’re not allowed to go to class once you start showing. I’m pretty sure it’s only a rule because pregnant students aren’t exactly good for a Catholic school’s reputation. I think it’s totally unfair, cruel and embarrassing that they’re basically kicking me out. Do they have a right to do this? And what are my options if I want to continue my education while I’m pregnant?

A: Thanks to something called Title IX, public schools can’t kick students out for being pregnant. However, as long as they don’t receive government money, private schools generally can. That being said, a private school can be sued for discrimination for dong so.

Of course, taking legal action is no picnic. It can be expensive, complicated and very hard to do without a parent’s support. So before you think about involving the courts, you might want to consider approaching you school’s administration with a parent or other supportive adult to discuss your options.

If, in the end, you are forced to leave your school, that doesn’t mean you will be forced to drop out completely. One option is to enroll in your local public school. Public schools are legally required to accept local students even if they are pregnant. You can also talk to your current school about being home schooled or having your work sent home with you. Of course, this might make you feel really isolated and alone, which is the last thing you want when you are pregnant.

As you have already discovered, being a pregnant teen can be tough, but know you aren’t alone. A lot of other girls have been in your situation and come out on top! Finding someone who can be your advocate and can explain your rights and options is a really important thing to do, and one of the best ways to make sure you are able to stay in school. Support is out there, you just need to know where to find it!